Today, I remembered my failures
I remembered all the opportunities I missed
Because I was scared and shy
And, at times, did not take action
My life could have been different, perhaps even better
Yet, I’ve let fear stop me
Years later, I still think about those times
Regret has planted itself in my heart and mind many times
And it tears me apart every time
Today, I remembered my friends of the past
I’m sorry I haven’t reconnected with you all
I’ve never forgotten you
I’ll always remember and cherish
The times we have spent together
I’m sorry I haven’t reached out, it’s nothing personal
I am just terrible at doing so
But, I hope you’re all doing well
To my friends of the present
My sentiment towards the past is the same
I have not been able to spend time with you
To make jokes, to share interests
To live life, to share it together
I’m sorry my friends
For being so awful
Today, I remembered my love life
I remembered how nonexistent it is
How it feels as if love does not exist for me
To have fallen in love many times
Never to have someone fall for me
There have been only two exceptions
And I love them dearly
To love the wrong people
To feel unwanted
Anxious, scared, confused
Never knowing if their actions meant one thing or another
So, I’ve fought with myself
Never knowing if they truly felt the same
But knowing deep down that they never held you in the same regard
As you had did
To the ashes of the old flames
That burnt loud and kept me warm
And to the present flame that slowly fades
Though I keep rekindling the dwindling fire
I’m sorry you have met me
Today, I remembered how much I hate myself
I remembered how anxiety ridden I can be
How my body shakes, and I overthink
How a lot of things scare me because I lack specific confidence at times
Sometimes I wonder if my parents are happy at what I’ve become
I remember how I stutter my words often
Even though I speak fluently like a well written poem in my mind
My mouth cannot keep up
I remembered how fear has immobilized me
How weak I felt giving in
Letting it wear me down various times over the years
Because I couldn’t see past it, and recognize what it truly was
I remembered how I hate my body
My face
What kind of face is this?
Everything about myself
My mind. My voice.
I feel like I struggle every day to do anything
I feel like a failure
That I shouldn’t exist
Why am I still alive?
I’ve lost so much time
So much time
All gone
I remember how I’ve wanted to kill myself many times
Yet… I’m still here.
